Reasons We’re not Having More Kids

It happens sometimes, out of nowhere.  Like the other day, Gabbie’s daycare was closed, so I had her home with me for the day.  We walked Maddie to school, and before she went into the building, Maddie stopped and gave her sister a hug and kiss.  “Bye-bye, Gabbie.  You can’t come in with me, but I’ll see you after school, okay?”*  As I watched them interact, and then as Gabbie and I headed back home, I thought about how big they’re both getting, how Gabbie isn’t really a baby anymore, how pretty soon, I’ll be walking her to school instead of her sister.  And then, BAM!

My uterus exploded. 

Combined cuteness

Uterus:  You should totally have another baby.  Just think, a sweet, cuddly, little baby.  They’re so lovely and squooshy and wonderful.  Don’t you want another baby?

Brain:  The hell you say.  No, that is not a thing that is happening. 

Uterus:  But whhhyyyy?  Did you not just see that cuteness?  That cuteness could be multiplied by three!  Gabbie could have a little brother or sister to give good-bye hugs to.  Wouldn’t that be great?

Brain:  Sure, but have you talked to “Body” about this?  How does she feel?

Body:  I am firmly on Team NO.  Do you remember how long it took us to get back in shape after the last one?  Not to mention, being pregnant sucks.

Uterus:  Oh, it’s not that bad…

Brain and Body, in unison:  YES, it is. 

Body:  Shut your face, you giant rubber band.  Not everyone just “snaps” back into shape.  Just ask “Boobs” how they feel about another baby.  Those ladies are piiiiiiissed.

Brain: Also, there’s sleep. 

Body:  Which we’re not getting right now thanks to the last time you talked us into this.  (Well, and the time before that.  And also Sleepy Hollow and New Girl.  And snacking.  But mostly the first thing I said!)

Uterus:  Right, but…  What if it was a BOY????

Body:  The odds of that happening are very slim at this point, wouldn’t you say?

Brain:  Well…

Body:  No. 

Brain:  If you could guarantee it would be a boy…

Body:  Which she canno–

Uterus, cutting Body off:  Yes?

Brain:  No, Body is right.  NO MORE BABIES!  They’re expensive, they poop all the time, and they’re loud.  Plus, some of us would actually like to go on regular vacations before we’re 40. 

Uterus:  Oh come on, guys!  This is, like, my only job!  What am I going to do? 

Brain:  Go to France with us?  Enjoy the effects of too much French wine and cheese?

Body:  SLEEP?

Uterus:  Fine, wine and a nap sounds good.  You guys win. 

 

And there you have it, folks.  The real reasons we’re not having more kids—wine and naps. 

 

* Um, sometimes, Maddie lays it on a little thick with the big sister thing.  Pretty sure Gabbie was more upset about not being allowed to get out of her stroller and play on the swings than she was about Maddie going to school.