Failure as a Woman: How Pinterest and Facebook Are Ruining My Self-Esteem

First, confession time, I’ve had a crap day.  Work…did not go well.  Then Maddie decided to continue her transitional-terrors by being the world’s worst listener this evening (Jon even told her Santa wasn’t coming, which is extreme and not really something I advocate, but you know, may well be true), and now, Gabbie is screaming upstairs while Jon tries to put her to sleep because she doesn’t want either of us to put her to bed, but apparently, I’m the GREATER of two evils.  Sigh.  I give up.  This post will probably be complete bullocks* as well.  Plus, I’m trying to once and for all lose that last stubborn 15 lbs. of baby weight, which means no drinking during the week, so I can’t even have a glass of wine and forget all about work and my mean children.  Like I said, crap day.

Anyway, Pinterest and Facebook, right? So, I’m on “social media” sites a lot.  Like most people I know, Twitter is really my main source of news, Facebook is how I stalk keep up with everyone’s lives, and Pinterest is where I find recipes and ideas for keeping my kids busy when it’s a bajillion degrees outside and I haven’t shaved so we can’t go to the pool.  However, the downside to being in constant contact with almost every other mom/woman you know is that there’s plenty of time and room for comparison, and clearly, I’m a failure as a woman.

1.  I don’t craft.  Like at all.  The thought of making my own wreath kind of makes me want to hurl.  I mean, you know it’s not going to look anything like the picture, and since I don’t own any crafting supplies (I don’t think Elmer’s counts), it would cost me more to go to Hobby Lobby and buy supplies, that I’ll only use once, than it would just buy some nice, trendy, throw-away-in-two-years wreath at Target.  Plus, we’re not “wreath” people.  Our front door is currently bare and will probably remain thus until December.

2.  I can’t sew.  My mom tried to teach me briefly, but in one of my many acts of mini-rebellion, I sort of half-assed the thing/was and still am completely uninterested, so it didn’t really take.  Jon can sew.  My mom can sew.  My youngest sister can sew.  I know lots of people who can hem pants for me and make Halloween costumes and hooded towels for the girls.  I don’t need to sew.  However, per Pinterest and Facebook and all the creations people are constantly posting, this clearly means I’m broken.  Also, that Jon is clearly twice the woman I am.  And I don’t mean that in a sexist way.

3.  I don’t make “cute” food.  Look, if I’m packing you a lunch, you’re getting a sandwich that looks like a sandwich.  Your carrot sticks will look…like carrot sticks.  Your cheese will be cut in the shape it came out of the wrapper in, and your fruit will be thrown in where it fits.  There will not be lunch meat shaped like dinosaurs, cheese in the shape of hearts and flowers.  I will not “kabob” your fruit, and I will not carve small replicas of Disneyland out of celery for you.  It’s a lunch, and you’re only going to eat half the damn thing anwyay!  Also, I don’t really bake anything other than cookies, muffins, and the occasional cupcakes, and if you think those are going to be decorated with anything other than store-bought icing (if that), you’re in for a sad surprise.  Yeah…

4.  I’m not eating enough quinoa.  Seriously, quinoa is the new “it” food.  It’s replacing pasta, bread, sex (for all I know).  Just now, I wasn’t 100% sure how to spell quinoa, and so I popped over to Pinterest.  Took me 10 seconds of scrolling through my main page to find three recipes with “quinoa” in the title.  10 seconds.  The thing is, I’ve tried quinoa, and I like it.  I do.  But I’m not sure I’m cooking it correctly, the girls don’t really like the texture, and to top it all off, it makes a complete, f’ing mess of my kitchen.  I mean, it’s ever-y-where.  So not worth it, just so I can feel healthy, full of non-fattening protein, and superior to all the yogurt eaters for 20 minutes.

5.  I don’t love anyone or anything nearly enough.  I think I mentioned this in a previous post, probably one of my Braindumps, but I don’t really go in for over-the-top displays of emotion publically.  And by “over-the-top” I mean admitting to liking any one single person too much without some sort of snark, snerk, sarcasm, or aside to temper it.  If they ever grow up and start going through my Facebook wall, my kids are going to think they had a wretched mother.  Why weren’t you proud of me for “going to the dentist/riding my bike/pooping in the toilet/breathing?” they will ask.  At which point, I will rush off to Twitter to tell the world what a bunch of ungrateful, whiny,needys children I have.  The truth is, I am proud of them for doing all those things, but I think they’re all parts of normal life, and so I don’t feel compelled to share them in everyone’s faces.  Not that I’m not braggy with the rest of them–I mean, my kids are pretty fantastic.  Probably more fantastic than yours.  And cuuuute.  Have you seen those big, beautiful anime eyes?  But I digress.  My main point was I probably seem like a grumpy bitch on Facebook, and for that, all other moms on Facebook say I fail.

Now, Gabbie is still not asleep, so I feel I should probably go help with that.  Or, I could look up more stuff I’ll never do on Pinterest…

White chocolate popcorn with sprinkles, which I did find on Pinterest and successfully make.  However, we left Maddie alone in a room with the bowl, she ate too much, and threw up all over her bed at 2 a.m.  You see my point.  FAIL.

White chocolate popcorn with sprinkles, which I did find on Pinterest and successfully make. However, we left Maddie alone in a room with the bowl, she ate too much, and then threw up all over her bed at 2 a.m. You see my point. FAIL.

 

* Sometimes, I like to try out British slang.  Just to see if I can get away with it.  I’m pretty sure I can’t.