The Ten Commandments of Motherhood



As handed down in crayon from Mt. Dirty Laundry by Maddie and Gabbie:

1.  I am the offspring of your womb, thou shalt have no other life before me.

2.  Thou shalt not feel about other children as you feel about me.  Thou shalt not hold them nor tickle them in my presence for I am a jealous child, and I shall scream and tantrum for what feels like a thousand generations.

3.  Thou shalt not call me by my sister’s name, or the names of the cats.

4.  Thou shalt remember my birthday and keep it cake-filled, laboring for (at least) six days to engineer a themed party and choose the perfect present.

5.  Honor my father.  He’s funny and plays with me, and I like him much better than you.

6.  Thou shalt not kill my good morning by refusing to make pancakes, even if we had pancakes yesterday, and I’m already too keyed-up to need syrup.

7.  Thou shalt not cheat during board games, regardless of how long we’ve been playing and how badly you need to pee.

8.  Thou shalt not steal my Goldfish crackers while pointing out squirrels and bunnies in the backyard.  I’m watching you, woman

9.  Thou shalt not lie about the possibility of fun or treats, no matter how awful I am being.  And none of that “We’ll see” crap, either.

10.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors’ children, no matter how well behaved they may seem or how quietly they play together.  (They’re liars anyway, all of them.)


(With no apologies to God, whom I have to believe has a sense of humor [e.g., the platypus, the ostrich, Kanye West, and Justin Bieber].)